And 3 That Parents Can Teach by Example
by Marissa Wu
When it comes to personality, I’m obsessed. After all, personality types affect everything. How you date. Who you’re most compatible with. How you spend money. It’s the basis for your interactions with the world, and oldest, middle and youngest siblings all do it differently—not to mention only children. That’s to say, where you fall in the family pecking order definitely (OK, probably) has a bearing on your personality. Below, I spoke with psychologist Heather Hagen about four personality traits likely influenced by birth order, and three less likely to come just from nature.
Meet the Expert
Heather Hagen is the executive director of clinical outpatient services with Newport Healthcare, a national mental healthcare provider. Hagen specializes in family therapy and has over 20 years of experience. She holds a master’s degree in psychology and marriage/family therapy from Chapman University, and has been featured in outlets such as Parade, Prevention and Shape.
4 Personality Traits Often Influenced by Birth Order
While personality isn’t set in stone, your birth order can play a large influence, probably due in part to the shifting family dynamics as younger siblings appear (or not). Face it, the firstborn child will be treated differently than the youngest, and that can help develop traits that are unique to each.
1. Taking Initiative
- Most Likely Birth Order: Firstborn
As PureWow contributor Suzanne Zuckerman previously wrote, oldest children are great at taking initiative and are usually high achievers. (They’re up to 30 percent more likely to land a management position.) Why is this? Hagen explains that as the first, these kids face different expectations from their first-time parents. “They’re often achievement oriented, and tend to be more responsible,” she says. “They typically take charge of their younger siblings at an earlier age.” As an oldest child myself, I know this rings true—you become a pseudo-parent in a way, and taking charge isn’t necessarily a point of pride as it is a survival skill to reign in the chaos.
2. Peacekeeping
- Most Likely Birth Order: Middleborn
“A middle child tends to be the one that’s keeping the peace. They’re typically adaptable because they have to be—they take stock of what’s currently going on in the family and adjust accordingly,” Hagen notes. This measured demeanor makes then, according to the book, The Secret Power of Middle Children, “less likely than their siblings to be in therapy, get divorced or be neurotic.” Middle children are great at going with the flow, often patient and willing to compromise, mediating between the stronger personalities of their older and younger siblings.
3. Free-Spirited
- Most Likely Birth Order: Lastborn
Youngest siblings tend to run wild and free and were definitely the child that dropped their pacifier on the ground and then promptly put it back in their mouth without the parents batting an eyelid.
“I think parents hit their stride around the important things and they’re more relaxed [with the youngest],” Hagen says. That can give the babies of the family more leeway to be themselves. There aren’t any youngest siblings that look up to them as role models, and they don’t feel the burden of needing to take on responsibility. Thus, it’s no surprise that the youngest siblings are more game to take risks—for better or for worse.
4. Wise
- Most Likely Birth Order: Only children
All my only-child friends seem to have a certain maturity about them. That’s probably, according to Hagen, thanks to the fact that only children benefited from their parents’ undivided attention. “They therefore [probably have more] experiences [that wouldn’t be available in a larger family, so they’re] exposed to more things,” Hagen tells me. “Parents take more time, for instance, to explain things because they have the bandwidth to do that.” Because only children spend so much time interacting with adults, they catch onto their mannerisms, giving only children an aura that’s wise beyond their years.
3 Personality Traits That Children Can Learn from Their Parents
While it’s fun to see what personality traits may or may not belong to different siblings, nothing is ever truly set in stone. Says Hagen, “Regardless of where you land in your family’s birth order, it’s really about how you want to show up in your life, in your family’s life.” As a grown up, while it may not be as straightforward to model “being wise,” you can certainly exemplify the following three beneficial traits.
1. Curiosity
No matter where you fall on the totem pole, curiosity is a trait that any kid can acquire—especially when parents and caretakers make space for it. Of course, nothing drives you to peak insanity faster than a child asking “why?” for the thousandth time—because Mommy likes wine, OK?—but taking time to unpack questions can help kids hone a powerful tool. Not only will they hopefully develop a love for learning, but that curiosity can also extend to being curious about other people and about the world around them without simply accepting what they’re told as fact.
2. Empathy
“If a parent gives their child grace, if they give themselves grace, if they are kind in the way that they speak to other people, about themselves, about their child, then [a] child is going to pick up on that as well.” And trust me, your kids are paying attention. My own mother likes to recount a story from when I was about 5. I dropped something and proceeded to yell, “Shoot!” because that was what she’d say when she dropped something, too. No matter if you’re the first or the last child, you’re paying attention to how your parents treat themselves, you and strangers.
3. Resilience
Resilience is another personality trait any kid can pick up by observing their parents. “Does a child see their parent get frustrated the first time that they can’t start the lawnmower or do they stay calm and continue to try and problem solve?” Hagen cites as an example. Showing your children that it’s OK to take five minutes to assess and come back teaches them coping skills and the importance of staying calm in crisis.
