By Julie Jargon
Whenever a young man is at the center of a widely publicized shooting or suicide, parents ask themselves the same questions: What warning signs were missed? What could have been done?
That gut-sinking feeling boy-parents sometimes get was acutely felt when conservative political activist Charlie Kirk was shot dead at a public event. The killing, allegedly carried out by a 22-year-old man, drove home the stark reality that too many young men are struggling.
Trouble has been building for boys and men for a long time. Psychologists and other researchers point to many nuanced reasons, including shifting societal definitions of manliness, school systems that aren’t designed for boys and declining participation in college and the workforce.
“Boys are trapped in a vortex of three things: the past view of masculinity, what they know in their hearts it means to be a good man and this newer, distorted notion of toxic masculinity which says that all men are bad, violent animals,” says Michael Kimmel, professor emeritus at Stony Brook University and author of several books, including “Angry White Men.”
The result has been a growing sense of loneliness and resentment that’s given rise to online communities where men find belonging, but often in ways that fuel their rage.
In a culture where gaming, memes and steady streams of social video have become the baseline for teen-boy life, how can parents discern when things might be taking a dark turn?
I asked mental-health experts who have dealt with this firsthand what signals suggest a boy could be struggling—and how parents can talk to their sons about their online lives.
What signs to look for
Social withdrawal. If your son is neglecting his in-person friends in favor of spending more time alone and online, that’s a red flag. “There’s a listlessness that’s common” among boys who are struggling, says Nat Damon, executive director of Reach Academy for Young Men, a summer institute that promotes positive masculinity.
Other changes in behavior. If your son is eating and sleeping less than normal (or is awake all night and sleeping all day), and doing worse in school or in sports, those can be signs of trouble, says Dr. Joshua Stein, an adolescent psychiatrist at Newport Healthcare, which operates residential and outpatient treatment programs across the country.
Loss of interest. If your son has growing apathy toward things that once brought him joy—whether that’s a team sport or gaming online with friends—that can signal depression.
Increased irritability. Some degree of teenage angst is normal. The warning sign comes when boys are constantly irritable, verbally or physically aggressive and totally dismissive of their parents’ viewpoints.
Concerning social feeds. If you can check the Discord servers they’re in and the Reddit or X posts they view, that can clue you in to the societal messages boys are receiving. If they’re following accounts of people with extreme views—or posting concerning comments themselves—that’s a sign they’re being influenced in worrisome ways.
And yes, to get a full picture of this, you can and should take a look at their devices.
Don’t come at them as the expert but with open-ended questions. If you find a meme they think is funny, tell them you don’t get it and let them explain it to you.
Joshua Stein, MD
How to start the conversation
Play dumb. No matter what you know about his online world, let your son educate you.
“Don’t come at them as the expert but with open-ended questions, like, ‘How does Discord work?’” Stein says. “If you find a meme they think is funny, tell them you don’t get it and let them explain it to you.”
Give him some control. If your son doesn’t want to open up to you about what he’s seeing online and how he’s feeling, leave the door open for him to come to you when he’s ready.
“Try to empower him so he feels he’s in control of the situation,” says Dr. Akeem Marsh, vice president of the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection at the New York Foundling healthcare nonprofit. “There are so many things in their lives kids can’t control, and speaking to their parents is one thing they can.”
Offer him someone else. If you’re really worried about your son’s well-being, and he’s shutting you out, Marsh recommends telling your son he needs to speak with another trusted adult. The important thing: He should choose who that is, whether it’s a therapist, pastor, teacher, coach or relative.
Encourage him to stand up. Your son might not be at risk of harming himself or others, but there’s a chance he knows someone who is. Maybe it’s a friend who has faded from the social scene; maybe it’s someone stirring up trouble in online chats. Help your son feel empowered to speak up about it, say the experts. Explain that it isn’t snitching, it’s a potentially lifesaving act. Tell him that the onus isn’t on him to help—all he has to do is alert a trusted adult who is in a position to act.
If things ever reach a crisis stage with your son, call or text 988, a free, nationwide suicide and crisis line.