Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 10 Emotional Reflexes
Plus, what to do if you notice them.
Key Points
- Emotional reflexes in kids—like physical reflexes—signal distress and need understanding, not punishment.
- Psychologists outline 10 emotional reflexes parents shouldn’t ignore, including micro-flight and people-pleasing.
- Support includes regulating your reaction, naming emotions, building safety, observation and seeking help.
We often think of reflexes in a physical sense. At your annual primary care check-up, your doctor may tap your leg. You naturally kick without thinking about it. However, child psychologists reveal that emotional reflexes also exist, and they work the same way.
“When a child’s big emotion gets ‘tapped’—like embarrassment, shame, [feeling overwhelmed] or feeling controlled—their brain’s alarm system, the amygdala, instantly yells, ‘Danger!’ and triggers a protective reaction,” explains Dr. Cameron Caswell, Ph.D., an adolescent psychologist and parent coach. “It happens before their thinking brain—the prefrontal cortex—even has time to catch up.”
Kids of any age can experience emotional reflexes, and adults can mistake them for attitude, defiance and disrespect. Cue the blaring alarms that Dr. Caswell says typically manifest as louder voices, harsher words and threats.
However, when parents and grandparents understand that kids and teens aren’t choosing emotional reflexes, they can rise to the occasion with care and compassion. To help explain, four child psychologists share 10 emotional reflexes parents and grandparents shouldn’t ignore, what triggers them and what to do next.
10 Red-Flag Emotional Reflexes in Kids and Teens, Child Psychologists Share
1. Micro-flight
A “flight” response to a situation is often only thought of as fleeing like a bear is chasing you—we’ll get to that one. However, Dr. Caswell reports that kids and teens can try to escape in more subtle ways, such as an eye roll, an exaggerated sigh, saying “whatever” or a side glance.
She shares that this emotional reflex is frequently an attempt to protect their status while secretly saying to themselves, “I feel small, embarrassed or controlled.”
“[It] defends against: public correction, feeling talked down to, unfair comparisons or peer pressure,” she explains.
A child or teen may also default to these reactions out of habit, impatience or fatigue.
2. Pushing threats away
A kid or teen may not literally push away a threat (though they might). Instead, Dr. Caswell generally sees younger people use their words. While you may have urged them to do just that as a toddler, these words can hurt. Think “Stop it,” “Get out” and “Leave me alone.”
She notes that the child regularly says these words when they feel cornered or under attack, such as when someone tells them to do a chore or homework “right now,” or when they receive criticism or correction. At other times, the person may be upset due to sensory overload or difficulties with transitions.
3. Sensory overload fight
Speaking of sensory overload, there’s more than one reflex for that. One puts a child in “fight” mode.
“When a child melts down after too much sound, light, motion or after being in environments with a lot going on, their emotional reflex has spilled over into overwhelm,” explains Dr. Amy Todey, Ph.D., a psychologist. “Their old brain is in panic mode and their new brain is offline.”
It can get challenging to navigate for kids and caregivers alike, especially because this sensory overload reflex typically occurs in public settings—meaning you have to parent or grandparent to an audience. Dr. Todey suggests tuning out the crowd and into the child by responding with empathy.
“Instead of correction, they need co-regulation: calm tone, slower pace and reduced stimulation,” she advises. “Once the nervous system steadies, the child can learn coping tools for next time.”
4. Sensory overload freeze
Other times, children and teens will freeze when they’re overwhelmed—it’s the emotional reflex version of “playing dead.” Dr. Caswell shares that these young people will sometimes give you a blank stare, shrug, avoid eye contact and give one-word answers like “Yeah” and “Fine.”
What are they actually saying? She shares that this reflex is often code for, “Overloaded—words are offline” or “Brain is buffering.”
“It’s a defense against feeling interrogated, performance pressure, being put on the spot and rapid-fire corrections,” she notes.
She adds that it might also be a flag for poor sleep, decision fatigue and anxiety.
5. Freeze-withdraw
Some children will take the “freezing” when they’re overwhelmed a step further. Eventually, they get “unstuck” and engage in a flight response.
“They may withdraw to their room [or] hide under a blanket,” Dr. Todey explains. “This reflex is the body’s way of saying, ‘I can’t handle this. I’ll disappear.’”
She shares that this emotional reflex is frequently a response to overload, anxiety or even past stress.
“It’s easy to overlook, but withdrawal is just as important a distress signal as acting out,” she shares.
Dr. Caswell notes that some withdrawal attempts are more subtle. For instance, a teen may try to hide in plain sight. They’ll glance at their phones when they’re overwhelmed from conflict or the need to transition from, say, gaming to homework.
6. Separation fears
Any kid may get teary-eyed on the first day of nursery school. However, if that remains their default, or if you can’t even go on a date night because your child can’t emotionally settle with a sitter without their primary caregiver, it’s a flag for separation anxiety.
“When a child’s reflex is to cling or show separation anxiety, it may reveal an insecure attachment or a need for reassurance in an unpredictable environment, which can be an instinctive effort to maintain connection and safety,” explains Dr. Michael Roeske, Psy.D., the senior director of the Newport Healthcare Center for Research and Innovation.
7. Frustration with or avoidance of new things
We were all beginners once, but some kids and teens react to new challenges in ways that childhood psychologists share are important to flag.
“When a child jumps to expressing frustration when doing something new, and gives up quickly or is avoidant of challenge, it can show us that they have limitations with tolerance of uncertainty or of challenge, or maybe learning challenges that make them feel unintelligent or incapable,” notes Dr. Kathy Wu, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and author of The Self-Regulation Handbook for Teens and Young Adults.
Dr. Roeske says this reflex is frequently a sign of fear of failure or low self-confidence. He reports that “often rooted in associating mistakes with shame rather than growth.”
8. People-pleasing habits
Dr. Caswell reports that some people will “fawn,” or attempt to keep the peace, when they feel unsafe. People-pleasing is one of the biggest strategies people use when fawning. Dr. Roeske is also troubled when he sees patients default to people-pleasing as an emotional reflex.
“A reflex of people-pleasing, where a child becomes overly compliant or eager to make everyone happy, can signal a fear of rejection or a belief that love must be earned through perfection or performance,” he shares.
Dr. Caswell says one common yet surprising people-pleasing tactic is saying, “I’m sorry.”
“Similar reflexes include quick agreeing, over-helping and checking your face for approval,” she adds.
9. High alert
“Some children live on edge, scanning for what could go wrong next and monitoring the adults around them for signs of heightened emotions or stress,” Dr. Todey notes.
However, she warns that constant emotional vigilance forces the brain to work overtime. Unfortunately, kids pay an emotional price.
“These children may burst into tears from minor adult redirection or meltdown immediately when they make a small mistake,” she explains. “They may appear cautious, perfectionistic or controlling, but underneath is a nervous system that never feels fully safe.”
10. Angry all the time
If a child or teenager consistently defaults to an angry response to everything, it’s worth seeking support, such as through a school counselor, pediatrician or psychologist.
“When anger becomes a reflex, through yelling, defiance or sudden outbursts, it may mask deeper emotions like shame, sadness or anxiety and serve as protection against feeling vulnerable or powerless,” Dr. Roeske notes.
5 Tips To Help Kids and Grandkids With Emotional Reflexes
1. Regulate before you react
Dr. Caswell shared that it’s natural and tempting if your alarm bells start internally blaring when a child’s do.
“You might feel that surge—your heart rate climbs, your jaw tightens, your volume rises,” Dr. Caswell says. “That’s your own threat system saying ‘Danger!’ too.”
However, she urges people not to join in. Instead, she suggests pausing by taking a slow breath, lowering the shoulders and softening your tone, regulating your emotions.
“Even a few seconds can shift your nervous system back toward calm,” she shares. “When you do, your child’s brain picks up on your body cues and starts to settle too. Regulation is contagious.”
2. Name what’s happening
Dr. Caswell reminds parents and grandparents that a child’s thinking brain goes offline when emotions are high.
“Calmly naming what you notice—“You’re really frustrated right now,” or “That felt unfair, didn’t it?”—helps bring it back online,” she explains. “You’re not condoning the behavior. You’re helping label the feeling underneath it.”
She says this simple step has a powerful effect, letting a child know they are safe with you, their secure and empathetic caregiver.
3. Watch your child with others
Dr. Wu suggests that parents conduct some “research” by hosting playdates or observing their child with their peers, such as by volunteering to chaperone a field trip or during a youth sports game. She notes that this step can help you see whether or not your child behaves similarly or differently than their same-age peers, which can lend perspective.
“Also, seeing your child in different contexts or situations can be really helpful, as they may behave differently with you than with others, or outside of the home versus at home,” she explains.
4. Build safety between the storms
Emotional reflexes can be challenging to overcome, and you won’t eliminate them with just one immediate post-meltdown conversation. In fact, Dr. Caswell advises against trying to ensure you put a permanent stop to emotional reflexes when everyone is on edge.
“The best time to strengthen a connection is when things are calm,” she explains. “Look for small, everyday ways to show warmth and presence—share a laugh, listen without jumping in, leave a note of encouragement or ask their opinion about something that matters to them“
She says these moments teach your child’s brain that you’re safe.
“Then, when conflict does hit, their brain is less likely to see you as the danger, which means those emotional reflexes are triggered less often and settle more quickly,” she shares.
5. Find support
You’re not a failure for seeking additional help for yourself and your child.
“If you feel like your children’s emotional reflexes are persisting despite your attempts to intervene and the absence of ongoing stressful life circumstances that they may be adjusting to, it may be time to seek an evaluation or the help of a psychologist,” Dr. Todey notes.
She shares that psychologists can help kids, including those who are neurodivergent, like kids with ADHD and autism, gain the tools needed to grow through emotional challenges. And? They can give grown-ups the strategies to support them.
Originally published on Parade.com.