The holiday season can be an exciting and joyful time. But for individuals with OCD and their families, it can also be extremely stressful and difficult to navigate.
For individuals with OCD, the cycle of obsessions and compulsions can significantly impact their ability to engage in everyday life. And getting out of their regular routine during the holiday season can increase their distress. Some OCD sufferers may be fearful of enacting harm or violence on loved ones, a common OCD obsession. Others may have time-consuming rituals that they feel are embarrassing or burdensome, and therefore will avoid holiday festivities altogether.
It’s essential for teens and young adults with OCD and their families to feel prepared to address the needs and issues that may arise during this time of year. Here are five ways to support your loved one and the whole family this holiday season.
Understand the nature of your loved one’s OCD and how far they are willing to stretch their distress-tolerance skills.
Does your loved one struggle with contamination OCD, or compulsive checking? Do they experience harm OCD (intrusive thoughts about violence, or fear of inadvertently be responsible causing harm) or hit-and-run OCD (fear of hitting a pedestrian by accident and not realizing it)? Whatever their obsessions and compulsive behaviors are, it is important for family members to be aware of and sensitive to their needs. But loved ones also need to be mindful of over-accommodating, which often occurs within families of OCD sufferers.
Prior to accepting holiday party invitations, speak to your loved one about how they are feeling. Inquire about whether they feel ready to handle whatever activity or event is on the horizon. If they are willing to take that leap of faith and attend a holiday gathering, what do they need in order to be prepared to handle feelings of distress that might arise? Offer motivating statements such as “I know this is hard and I believe in you” and avoid overly reassuring statements like “You will be fine and there is nothing to worry about.”
Don’t take it personally if your loved one isn’t ready or able to engage in the holiday season.
It’s hard for people who do not experience OCD to fully understand the distress their loved ones experience over fears and obsessive thoughts that seem irrational. Remember, they are not exaggerating their feelings and they are likely not able to control the urge to engage in ritualized or compulsive behaviors. It is helpful for family members to remember that this is not their loved one trying to cause problems, it is their OCD.
It is also important to remember that your loved one likely feels quite a bit of shame and guilt around their behavior. Be mindful not to invalidate their feelings. You can respond to them by saying something like, “I know that you would love to join us at the holiday party. I’m sure that it is difficult for you when your OCD keeps you from enjoying the things and people you love. How can I support you in this moment?”
Talk to your loved one about how much or how little they want others to know about their OCD.
Friends and relatives may be asking uncomfortable questions, or wondering why your family member isn’t present at a party or not able to eat at the table with everyone else for the holiday meal. As we all know, families often have the best of intentions, but aren’t always appropriate with their questions or sensitive with their boundaries, which can cause stress for young people with mental health conditions.
To get ahead of this, speak to your loved one who is experiencing OCD prior to holiday gatherings. How do they want you to address these issues with their other family members? Then honor their wishes about what you do and do not divulge to others. Extended relatives and friends may not like or understand the boundaries you are setting, but it is vital to respect your loved one’s wishes about what is shared.
Help your loved one find connection and feel valued.
The holidays are about so much more than gifts. Ideally, they’re about love, joy, family, and connection. But tapping into those positive experiences may seem impossible for your loved one when they’re feeling disconnected from others due to their struggles. They may feel imprisoned by their rituals or overwhelmed by the experience of OCD.
What you can do is acknowledge their struggles and remind them that they are more than their diagnosis. Help them to see any steps they make towards their goals in addressing OCD, and give them hope that things can and will change through treatment and support. Most importantly, let them know they are loved, no matter what.
When necessary, don’t wait until after the holidays to get help.
Missing one holiday in exchange for a lifetime of holidays free of OCD is worth it. If your loved one is in crisis, don’t wait until the holiday are over to access treatment. Many people feel it’s okay to wait and see if mental health struggles get better on their own. This is rarely the case. If your loved one had a medical issue that was causing them distress and pain, you wouldn’t hesitate to help them get treatment as quickly as possible. OCD can be just as painful and debilitating as a physical illness.
Remember, you will have plenty of time to enjoy future holidays—in a much more meaningful and enjoyable way—when your loved one feels happy and healthy again.
Meredith Hettler, LMFT, is the National Director of Newport Healthcare’s OCD and Anxiety Program. With over 10 years of experience in the behavioral healthcare field, Meredith holds a master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy/Counseling from Central Connecticut State University and an undergraduate degree in psychology from the University of Rhode Island. Her experience in the field includes working with individuals ranging from early childhood through geriatrics, treating a wide array of mental health, behavioral, and relational needs. She specializes in working with adolescents and young adults. Meredith is trained in Exposure and Response Prevention therapy, Attachment-Based Family Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.